The Young and the Soapless

I shudder to think about what a world without Soap Operas would be like. Sadly, it feels like we are all getting closer to finding out as two ABC programs will close up shop at the end of this year and the beginning of next. Fortunately, my all-time, A#1 fave, The Young and the Restless (Y&R) -- second runners-up are General Hospital (GH) and Days of Our Lives (DOOL) -- appears to be going strong (for the time being).

If you claim you've never watched a Soap, you're not telling the truth. They're impossible to escape and at some point in your life you KNOW you have stopped flipping the channel long enough for Victor Newman to ponder his next move against rival Jack Abbott or to see Marlena Evans (aka Doc) torn between her loyalty to Roman Brady and her passion for John Black. You didn't even have to be watching it on purpose; maybe you were an innocent bystander who grew up with a parent or guardian who had a favorite Soap that was always on and you had no choice but to watch Luke and Laura Spencer's globetrotting shenanigans day after day.

Whatever your history, there's a good chance that Soaps fit into it somewhere. It makes me sad to ponder the extinction of scripted daytime dramas. What will kids watch on sick days home from school whilst sipping their ginger ale? What will lounging teens be sucked into when they wake up in the late morning/early afternoon of a Summer day (right after The Price Is Right, of course)? What will full-time parents and working women and men (I know more than one, thank you very much), set their DVRs to capture 5 days a week and then enjoy catching up on with weekend marathons? (Sidebar: I may or may not have personal experience with each of these scenarios, but that's beside the point.) Even worse, what will future generations really know about over-the-top, unbelievable drama without them? There is NOTHING REAL about Reality TV (translation: prefab drama) but the great thing about Soaps is that they never claim to be real. They're total escapes from the real world and all its trials and tribulations; good old fashioned entertainment. For posterity's sake, here's a few things that I've learned from the Soaps:

• The odds are good that you have an evil twin that you may or may not know about.
• When you die it's pretty rare that you are actually dead.
• When you hit your head, you will get amnesia. Every. Time. Wait . . . what was I saying?
• If you're a child under 11, you will be sent away to boarding school at some point and come home for the Summer having aged 7-10 years.
• Whenever you say something super important, you should hold your pose, gesture, etc. for a good 30 seconds after your declaration (if not for a commercial-break than at least for dramatic effect).
• There is at least 1 villain in every family.
• Even though someone talks about their job often you may never actually see them do any work or ever see the outside of the building they work in.*
• You will never wear the same outfit twice but you may wear the same thing for many days in a row.
• Time moves slowly. One day in Soap time typically = 2-3 days in real time.
• Changing your identity can be as simple as changing your name and dying your hair or as complex as having a complete face transplant to look like your arch nemesis, someone you are obsessed with, or someone you want to get revenge on. (Sidebar: I don't know why it's taken real-life surgeons years to perfect this procedure; Soap docs have been doing it for decades.)
• Whether you are "dead" or in the Soap version of the Witness Protection Program your phone number will remain the same and your cell phone will be in working order at all times.
• The average person will get married no less than 3 times.
• Tampering with or changing the results of a paternity test is simple and at times necessary.
• When you're pregnant, your baby will have no less than 2 possible daddies.
• Just when things in your life seem happy and quiet, something will go awry.*
• There are only so many places in town you will EVER go. Typically there are no more than 10 locations you will ever be (more if you include residences).
• You will never go to the grocery store. Food and wine and liquor just miraculously appear in your home. (For this reason alone I could thrive in Soap World.)
• If you are a man, the odds are pretty good that you have at least one child "out there" (living next door) that you don't know about.
• If you are a woman, the odds are pretty good that the baby you are raising and think is yours was switched at birth and your actual child is somewhere "out there" (being raised by your arch enemy).
• Unless you are at a bar or restaurant, you will dispense booze from crystal decanters that you keep on display in your main living area, in your place of business, on your jet, etc.
• Everyone is connected*. No matter how far fetched.
• If you are staring longingly at a picture of your lost or unrequited love, the odds are pretty good they're doing the same with your photo at the exact same moment.
• Behind every closed door is a man or woman or child leaning against it posing with a look of great concern or distress on their face. There may even be a single tear running down their cheek.
• Something major will always happen on a Friday but nothing will ever be resolved on that particular day of the week. Every Friday is a "cliffhanger day".
• Saxophone music will always play during "intimate" times.
• Any memories/flashbacks you have will be slightly out of focus and surrounded by a fuzzy, cloud-like border.
• If you are a female in prison you will be wearing jail bird duds but still have full access to hair and make-up teams.
• Private jets are more commonplace than cars for day to day transportation. Someone is always calling to have the jet fueled up.
• There is always more to every story.*
• There will always be drama.*

* = This may be the case in reality as well.

What have the soaps taught you? C'mon, you know you want to share . . . start dishing!